


in her name are cities (that i'll never see)

by luchiden



Series: the crowds are calling my name [1]
Category: Gatchaman Crowds
Genre: And a lot of pain, F/M, its inconsistent when u think about his character, sugane is ooc, theyre all vaguely mentioned but its mostly hajime and sugane, this is kinda headcanon but also not
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-30
Updated: 2016-10-30
Packaged: 2018-08-27 22:05:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8418862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luchiden/pseuds/luchiden
Summary: It is what we make it to be until it isn't anymore.(or alternatively - they save each other.)





	

**Author's Note:**

> Sugane is somewhat out of character. I gave him a backstory that wasn't in the original content; There are only a handful of gatchaman crowds fics and even less sugane/hajime so I said to myself 'Hey. Be the change you want to see in the world.' I hope you enjoy it.

 

She's sweet.

 

She's sweet, so sugary his teeth hurt right down to the roots, like burnt caramel, so sickeningly sweet.

 

(Be a good boy for mom and I'll show you all the good and tasty things in the world, Sugane.)

 

He hates good things. He hates them. It's how he's grown into this world and how he's come to know it. He was so small, so young, when he learned that the only thing he can trust is himself and his own power. That he can't even trust Joe, that he can only just admire him. It is what it is, and all he hopes for is that he didn't misstep somewhere along the way. Though he couldn't have. He was going far too fast anyway. That's his problem, he doesn't know patience. Maybe it's because nobody ever showed him what it looks like. Is it pretty? Is it bright? He hates it, then. He hates everything pretty.

 

After all, isn't it an excuse? Pretty faces just try to hide ugly truths. There's nothing good in human desperation. He only trusts his own hands, clutching his note, as if it were a lifeline. And for him, it is. That's what this world gives him, fragile bones and paper-thin skin.

 

And she's so sweet, so good, that it burns his tongue with all the slanders he swallows down. He's yet to find what's ugly in her. But it's not like he's any better.

 

"Hey, Senpai." She says, three days after she became one of them. A guest in his own mind. He somehow can't stop being reminded of her but he chucks it down to the aftermath of sharing space. (Well, it's that he's never had anybody this close, maybe ever-) "What did you want to become when you were young?"

 

Sugane remembers that time. He does and yet, he doesn't. He does and yet, he wishes he didn't. He remembers his mother, her sick smile as she had fixed her hair (so pretty, so pretty), looking at her mad eyes in the mirror reflection. Her sick smile when his father told her that she was rotten, that she was poisonous. Her smile, so pretty and terrifying, when she had taken away everything his father was - an empty mind counts for a mouth that doesn't speak. His father had taken her back because that's how things are. Because mom is beautiful, a jewel, and Sugane was a good boy that always listened. That's why he became a liar.

 

"Nothing." His voice is quiet but she seems to pick it up. He drinks the rest of his coffee, shuffling and getting up, far away from the comfortable warmth of her shoulder next to his.

 

"I see." She smiles and he doesn't see any lies in it.

 

 

 

"Hey, Hajime." He doesn't know when he started calling her by her name but he can't say he hates it. It fits her so well it would be a waste otherwise. "What kind of person do you think I am?"

 

"Hmmm." She puts a finger to her chin as if she's thinking so hard it might fall off her shoulders. That might be the case. One can never know with her. "I think you're a warm person. No, I'm sure."

 

"Why would you think so?" He closes his eyes. That's the thing, he never knows what to say around her.

 

"I don't know, Senpai. That's the kind of feeling I get. Being with you kinda makes my heart lighter!"

 

His breath hitches. But she's always been this honest. It's just him that's not used to it.

 

 

(Sugane, didn't I tell you not to touch mom's things? Didn't I? You never listen, do you? That's why nobody will love you.)

 

It's not a lie, even if he wishes it were. And for a while he thinks Hajime could love him. She's so full of love it overflows and he lets his mind wander, lets himself wonder if she would spare a part of it. He gives up the idea though. It would all be lost on him. A waste. It's because he never listens, it's because he'll disappoint her.

 

"Hajime!" He screams at her. He can't do anything else. "Why would you show your face? Why?"

 

He acts before he thinks, just like she told him, and he grabs her and starts running. Because he only wants to protect her? Because he only wants to protect himself? He doesn't know, really.

 

Why, why, why, why, why?

 

Why, when he had learned perfectly well how to be invisible, how to blend in. Why are you doing everything he never could?

 

"Is it a bad thing?" She asks, in her typical manner of speech, as if it was the _natural_ thing to do, as if she did nothing wrong. And maybe she didn't. Maybe it's only his own mind trying to fit her into his warped understandings.

 

"It is a bad thing." He wants to believe that all these years he made for himself hadn't been a lie. He believed in them.

 

"Sorry, then. And still, senpai, I don't think I did the wrong thing. Even if it was a bad thing."

 

He hates this so much. She's pretty, benign, right down to the core. There's nothing ugly in her.

 

 

It's not that he has any delusions that they could have something. He's given up that idea long ago. But her presence is so comforting, so peaceful, like stepping in a patch of light on a sunny morning and he just can't help himself from wanting. Can't stop himself either. It's his mind that's the problem. It's him, trying to escape the fire even though he started it; him, trying to drown and expecting to come out dry and his lungs to come out empty; him, trying to delude himself into thinking that what he did and what he does will have no consequences.

 

(Sugane. You'll do anything for mom, won't you?)

 

He would and yet he didn't but he remembers every crack in his own bones, like the thunders of fireworks that disappear before he does. And he knows about Joe's strong arms and broad shoulders that carried him with all his sins and burdens. And he knows Utsutsu's gentle hand as it lay on his forehead until he felt alive again, as much as it were possible. He remembers (or rather, less than that, just notices without knowing it) O.D.'s gentle eyes that Sugane felt boring into his back far too many times. He tries not to love them. Everybody lives with their fears, after all, and Sugane has too many of his own to take some more. You don't need to love somebody to save them. You don't need to love somebody to help them. And well, if he grows fond of them, there's nothing he can do, right?

 

 

 

And this is how she saves him.

 

Maybe it's the softness of her voice, as if she's trying not to startle him, trying not to scare him. It's funny, he thinks, how she thinks he could possibly escape from her. It's funny, of maybe the irony simply eludes him, how she acts as if he's a scared animal - as if he would bolt any moment. He's given up that thought long ago. There's no escaping Hajime. It's not only him that knows it but it might be him that feels it the most. He knows now, with certainty, that he would give her everything she wanted. But she's never asked for anything.

 

Or maybe it's how she smiles at him, as if he's _there_ , as if he's not transparent. She makes him feel important. Maybe that's it.

 

It might be just her - the simplicity of all her actions. She's taught him a lot more than he could ever teach her. He wonders, absentmindedly, what would have happened had their roles been reversed. Had he joined the G Team after her. He thinks, maybe, she might have been able to give him a new beginning back then. He wouldn't have had to carry all these things so long.

 

And when she lays her warm fingers over his cold skin, when she takes his face in her hands, he can't do anything but stare a her. His heart almost breaks his ribs but it's nothing new, he's felt that before.

(He's felt that before, just in a different scenario.)

 

"Sugane-senpai." He can't answer but she continues anyway. "Thank you."

 

Thank you for what. What did he do? He was never good to her. If anything he was colder than ever. Why does she have to pierce through him so easily, as if he's made out of paper?

 

"Why are you crying, senpai?" Her hands brush his face softly as she retreats them and he grabs them in his own. He can't let her go now. His cheeks are wet and tears slide off onto his shirt and he kisses her. He kisses her before she can back away because he's always been this selfish and he wanted to know how it felt, to not be alone.

 

And she is so sweet, so warm. He frees her hands and she wraps them around him, one at the nape of his neck, gently caressing him as if she's forgiving him for all the things that are not hers to forgive and he loves her even more. She smells of light and warmth and home and his chest shakes with feelings. It is as if they come all at once, all these things he tried to hide. And she parts her lips, her breath hot on his and he feels more alive than he's ever been.

 

"Senpai." She whispers, still caged into him, just as he was, is, into her. "Thank you."

 

And she smiles, her eyes disappearing into the gesture.

 

"For what?"

 

"For saving me."

 

He laughs. It's loud and clear and he doesn't remember the last time he heard his own laugh. Even though it's her who saved him. Maybe they can save each other. It doesn't sound like such a bad thing anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> i wouldn't have started writing for this fandom if i weren't so dissatisfied with 'insight' because what i WANTED to see was sugane x hajime teamwork and how they had grown into their relationship but irl they barely talked to each other so. i'm probably going to write more


End file.
